I can't help it. I'm drowning, idiot.

sometimes my mind goes a bit further then I'd like it to. I try not thinking about terrible situations but I can't help it. I wonder sometimes just how fucked up my head is. I can't stand the amount of instability I have. it builds up to a point where I'll have a panic attack for no apparent reason, when in all reality it's just the scenarios I play out in my mind that cause them. this is a curse. rightfully so I suppose. born this way, die this way.

sometimes my heart sinks more than I'd like it to. you know that feeling you get when you misplace your phone or your keys when you're running late for work? I don't have any sort of outlet. no one wants to hear me complain about the same things day in and day out, so I bury it. I bury it until I can't fucking take it anymore. you want to know what goes through the mind of someone who, more than likely, is clinically insane? just ask me what it's like to wake up everyday. imagine my disappointment when the world didn't end.

three words could make this all go away but I'll never ask you to say them.

am I ok? no.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

We're not "hanging out" tonight.

It's hard for me to meet people, I get that. I'm not a very likeable person and more than not, I don't give a fuck what you have to say. Let's be honest, most of the time it's just bullshit that falls out of peoples mouths. You know it, I know it, and anyone who doesn't feel the same way about meeting people are the exact people who cause this problem. So when I meet a person who I can relate to, we can have an actual conversation, its a monumental accomplishment for me and probably for that person too.

Have you ever gotten into a disagreement with someone who doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about? This happens to me at least once, maybe twice a month. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't know everything and I've never claimed that I have or even suspected I do. The things I do know about, however, I'm extremely passionate about. When I present actual evidence to support my reasons for being right, please don't tell me I'm fucking wrong. I understand, it's hard for people to admit when they're wrong, but for fuck sake.

I have no idea where this is going. Story of my life.

The truth only hurts people it applies to.

So here's the difference between us. I actually began moving on with my life and accept the fact that I don't want you to be a part of that. And you. Well you, will never really move on. You'll hold onto it like its a security blanket. You'll use it for an excuse as to why the things that follow in your life have gone wrong or why the things you have in life aren't as good they could be. I'll always be that mistake that you made or that example of what not to do. Want to know the fucked up part? I'm completely content with that, because that's all I want you to use me for from now on. I'll be respectful for the sake of mutual friends if and when, because it will happen, I see you in a public setting.

Besides, you were right along. I am in love with my best friend.

and all this time I was just lying to myself.

I'll never forget the day that I was struck with writers block. Coming out of the awful end of a relationship and preparing to enter another one that would end on the same note; I thought maybe somewhere in it all, I could find a way to spill what I was feeling onto paper. Never really realizing it until I tried, the words never did come out the way I had planned. Maybe that's where this is headed. Who really knows.

Somebody, somewhere once told me that tragedy is a way to find inspiration. I truely don't believe in that. The events that have transpired over the last seven and a half years have brought me to the conclusion that no matter how great the tragedy, I can't find the words to describe my feelings. At one point and time in life, I had no trouble what so ever doing so. Alas, here I sit, typing away, trying to find something to say without looking like I'm saying nothing. Reading poetry and lyrics of some of my favorite authors/musicians, one day I'd like to give my contribution to the world. Maybe someone, somewhere will connect with it as I have found myself doing so many times.

Writing never was something I aspired to do, but I had a knack for it and enjoyed it in a theraputic sense. I tend to leave it to the professionals when it comes to finding the right words to say. But still, the recent events of the past week has brought me to the realization that no one has writen anything worth while to deal with my situation. Sure, hollywood takes on the subject, usually in a romantic or comedic fashion where the end is always the same. Happy. Guy gets girl, vice versa. I think my words have finally caught up to me.

"I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last like it defines me."

I'm probably the worst person in the world at being single. There's nothing appealing about it to me at this point and time of my mid-20's. I hate meeting new people and worst yet, I hate trying to meet girls. I've been single since April, so that makes it what? 8 months or so? Whatever, thats not important. What is, is that every single girl I've met, is a complete moron whom of which I can't seem to not want to blow my brains out five minuts into conversation.

Now I don't want to hear the bullshit "Oh, you'll find someone." "There's someone out there for everyone.". Maybe my standards are a bit high, maybe I'm just a little insecure about things in my life, I don't know. Regardless, being single sucks.

Getting back to the basics.

I'm going to use this a little more often. Getting things off my chest has been a problem as of late so that's going to be the main focus on this. You might call it bitching on the internet, but, well... its bitching on the internet.

Lately I've been thinking about being a doctor or a teacher, just someone who changes something. anything.

I've been putting a lot of stock into my future as of late. Going out and partying has its perks but it's time to take life seriously. Let's be honest, the current state of our nation to say the least, is sub-par. At one point it was ok to rely on a job in the production industry, good pay for a job with next to no requirements. Times have changed like it often has, job's going overseas, car companies going bankrupt, so on and so forth. When I was laid off back in July of 06, I had faith that sooner or later things are going to get better and I could take my skills in my trade and find a new job. It looks grim that things are going to pick up anytime soon and I can't deliver pizza's forever, although the pay is better than most jobs currently available. I've decided to go back and get my diploma/GED and then go become a teacher. Big shocker since I've always disliked school, but as I got older I realized the importance of it. It's going to be a pretty long and hard road but I have a lot of drive and determination to actually do this. 

I won't be pathetic forever.