I can't help it. I'm drowning, idiot.

sometimes my mind goes a bit further then I'd like it to. I try not thinking about terrible situations but I can't help it. I wonder sometimes just how fucked up my head is. I can't stand the amount of instability I have. it builds up to a point where I'll have a panic attack for no apparent reason, when in all reality it's just the scenarios I play out in my mind that cause them. this is a curse. rightfully so I suppose. born this way, die this way.

sometimes my heart sinks more than I'd like it to. you know that feeling you get when you misplace your phone or your keys when you're running late for work? I don't have any sort of outlet. no one wants to hear me complain about the same things day in and day out, so I bury it. I bury it until I can't fucking take it anymore. you want to know what goes through the mind of someone who, more than likely, is clinically insane? just ask me what it's like to wake up everyday. imagine my disappointment when the world didn't end.

three words could make this all go away but I'll never ask you to say them.

am I ok? no.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

We're not "hanging out" tonight.

It's hard for me to meet people, I get that. I'm not a very likeable person and more than not, I don't give a fuck what you have to say. Let's be honest, most of the time it's just bullshit that falls out of peoples mouths. You know it, I know it, and anyone who doesn't feel the same way about meeting people are the exact people who cause this problem. So when I meet a person who I can relate to, we can have an actual conversation, its a monumental accomplishment for me and probably for that person too.

Have you ever gotten into a disagreement with someone who doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about? This happens to me at least once, maybe twice a month. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't know everything and I've never claimed that I have or even suspected I do. The things I do know about, however, I'm extremely passionate about. When I present actual evidence to support my reasons for being right, please don't tell me I'm fucking wrong. I understand, it's hard for people to admit when they're wrong, but for fuck sake.

I have no idea where this is going. Story of my life.

The truth only hurts people it applies to.

So here's the difference between us. I actually began moving on with my life and accept the fact that I don't want you to be a part of that. And you. Well you, will never really move on. You'll hold onto it like its a security blanket. You'll use it for an excuse as to why the things that follow in your life have gone wrong or why the things you have in life aren't as good they could be. I'll always be that mistake that you made or that example of what not to do. Want to know the fucked up part? I'm completely content with that, because that's all I want you to use me for from now on. I'll be respectful for the sake of mutual friends if and when, because it will happen, I see you in a public setting.

Besides, you were right along. I am in love with my best friend.